Don’t Take the Bait: Reactionary Behavior Hurts Your Case

One of the hardest lessons I learned during my legal process is also the simplest: the only thing I can control is my own behavior. It sounds obvious, like something a person should understand long before reaching midlife, but for many men, especially fathers who have spent years being the responsible one, the idea of control becomes tangled up with identity. Being the provider, the fixer, the man who handles things and gets the job done creates a powerful internal narrative. It builds a sense of entitlement, the belief that if you are doing everything right, you deserve cooperation, respect, and compliance. When those things do not happen, anger feels justified. As a husband, as a father, as a man, it can feel like your obligation to lay down the law, to regain control, and to make a point through force rather than restraint.

For me, that mindset did more damage to my life than almost anything else I’ve ever believed. What made it harder to see was how normal it felt. Angry dad is a familiar cultural trope. Punishment is often treated like leadership. “Sometimes people need to be set straight” is a widely accepted idea. Rage gets framed as strength, control as authority, retaliation as self-respect. It took years, parenting, personal loss, and being completely dismantled in court to understand how destructive that thinking really is.

I no longer believe in punishment. I have never seen it accomplish anything meaningful beyond revenge. I no longer believe I have the right to set anyone straight or make anyone regret anything. I no longer believe that being justified makes behavior wise. What I have learned instead is that clarity beats control, calm beats power, and restraint beats reaction. Learning to step back, evaluate what is happening, and choose how to respond has brought more peace into my life than any display of dominance ever did.

Nowhere is this more important than in divorce and custody cases. Everything you do can become evidence. Emails, text messages, voicemails, social media posts, videos, recorded calls, screenshots, arguments, and emotional outbursts all create a record. If your ex violates an agreement and you respond with fury, it is not their violation that will stand out, it is your reaction. If someone provokes you and you explode, it is not the provocation that will be remembered, it is your behavior. Justified or not, losing your cool makes you look like the aggressor, and that can hurt your case in very real ways.

Some people intentionally try to bait reactions. Others are simply careless, selfish, or emotionally chaotic. Most are not thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are. Regardless of intent, reacting explosively never protects you. It only creates conflict, evidence, and consequences that follow you forward. If this feels uncomfortable to read, that discomfort is often a sign that something real is being touched.

At one point, I had to take an honest look in the mirror and admit I wasn’t the man I wanted to be, the father I wanted to be, or the person I would respect if I were watching myself from the outside. I wish I had learned that earlier, but better late than never. You cannot control what your ex does, how unfair the system feels, or how other people behave. You can only control whether you become reactive, hostile, and self-sabotaging in response to it.

This matters not just legally, but relationally. Yes, you can parent with an iron fist and strict authority, but the long-term pattern is clear. Many children go no contact with angry divorced fathers. Relationships shrink instead of grow. Distance replaces trust. Fear replaces openness. Parenting works better when there is trust, communication, and emotional safety, when your kids like you and want to come to you, when they do not fear you but respect you, and when they feel safe being honest instead of obedient.

A constant theme in my work is this idea: stop trying to win and start working to get what you actually want. Winning feels good in the moment. The sharp reply, the cutting message, the emotional release, the sense of dominance all feel powerful. But what they usually create is more conflict, more stress, more evidence, more distance, and more damage that has to be cleaned up later. Diplomacy feels weak. It has no punchline and no emotional payoff. But it works. It is always easier to explain calm than explain rage, always easier to defend restraint than revenge, and always easier to stand behind dignity than hostility.

I never want to have to explain to my children why I felt justified treating their mother badly. No child benefits from seeing their mom disrespected, and no child is made safer by watching their father lose control. Whether you are heading to court, in court, or long past a judge’s decision, your behavior still matters. What you do today can become the foundation of tomorrow’s conflict or tomorrow’s peace.

Don’t take the bait. Don’t confuse reaction with strength or anger with power. Learn to start controlling your behavior, protect your peace, and play the long game.